Redefining Birthdays & Autism
A little-known mainstream secret about families with autism is that birthdays can be a landmine of loneliness and overwhelm. On the flip side, with a little pre-planning, love, and care, it can and will be the best day ever. Let’s do this.
Here’s the thing: people often just don’t know what to do, so they either overdo it. More commonly, the child (or adult) has been excluded/not invited, or someone just does not want to trouble themselves by accommodating or stepping outside of their own comfort zone to attend your “quirky” party.
It’s not that the birthday Savant necessarily wants a crowd (which can bring sensory overload or the neverending, sensory-seeking bouncy castle that Dad can never deflate without severe consequences), but they have gathered over time that they’re not welcome at other peoples’ events, or very few showed up for their own.
Sometimes they’re even asked to leave an event because they couldn’t keep their “isms” under control – the horror. Maybe it’s just best to chill at home.
News flash: there is no magical “on” or “off” switch, even for birthdays.
After just being kicked out of preschool for “concerns, aggression, and ‘delayed potty-readiness’”, they let us have our three-year birthday party there since we’d already paid to book the school space. We made it a b-day/”heading to a new school” (code: early intervention) celebration with all our baby school classmates. Looking back, it was the birthday song that unleashed the wail of the years to come.
There are several sides to this issue. The neurotypical expectation involves the classic birthday bash with unicorn cake, truckloads of presents, extravagant decorations, a full-blown mariachi band, and sangria with dozens of people.
But for the person on (or off) the spectrum, the date might not hold any special meaning – it might just be another day on the calendar to them. Everyone is different.
The Origin of Exclusion
Often, when a child is diagnosed with delays, sensory processing disorder, autism, ADHD, or neurodiverse labels, it’s at an early age – 18 months, 2, 3, 4, maybe even 10 or 12 years old. At that time, we might not know what that child might want for their birthday. They might be unsure of what they want as well. It’s more than just a celebration; the squeaky wheel has suddenly become a perceived awkward situation for everyone involved.
Your child goes from being seen as “problematic” to abruptly experiencing forced exclusion. Playdates disappear. Summer camp is no longer an option. Any social interaction becomes a social skills class, an adaptive skills exercise, or a behavior therapy mandate in order to “participate” in literally anything.
So when we get to the birthday, how many “real friends” do we really have? Your child hasn’t connected socially with more than a few (if any), let alone the 10-15 kids needed for a Chuck E. Cheese party, and their spooked parents who are afraid autism is contagious. And is Chuck E. Cheese really what would make your child happy?
Our Birthday Experiences
In our family, we’ve had many small birthdays with only very close family and friends, focused on making my children feel special and supported in what they wanted their day to feel like. Of course, we showered them with more gifts, partly because we could, and partly out of guilt for all the other ways society depletes their experience of childhood. (A lot of those toys end up getting re-wrapped for Christmas because they really wanted that one toy they’re trying to master.)
The gifts that had meaning were those carefully chosen by open-minded grandparents to align with their special interests. For example, Grammy just signed up for Chess.com for my boy’s newfound love of chess to be able to play as an opponent online. But in the end, it wasn’t about the gifts. It was about the connection and the memories. The loving videos that friends and family recorded and sent, which they watched over and over again for the birthday month, were absolutely priceless. In fact, when they’re missing somebody, even when they were babies, I noticed that they somehow found those videos on my iPhone and played them on repeat. That was no accident – they knew exactly what they were looking for… the memories of the love on their birthday. That love shaped the meaning of their birthday.
As my kids started to make a couple of friends, we were invited to a few parties by awesome families who were totally understanding with us taking breaks from the loud celebrations and even offered in advance any accommodations to attend. Even going so far as offering to provide cake/sweets alternatives for us. Sometimes it’s easier to bring our own and some to share, but the gesture meant so much. I’m grateful to that one mom friend for not only inviting us in the thick of it but also for hugging my son while he wailed over the triggering birthday song (more on why this is triggering later) and her kid’s cake and candle moment. She’s such a formidable mother and person, understanding that it was just another texture in the party and memory between us (that we still laugh about!). Also – her kid wasn’t upset and ironically, my kids and hers were the last ones to leave the joint.
Preparation is Everything
Knowing what to expect builds trust and respect for everyone. Here are a few prep ideas:
Gift-giving has become an important exercise in our family. Picking a gift for auntie, making handcrafted gifts for dad – even if it’s hand-over-hand painted handprints on Hanes t-shirts – has built meaning for when it’s their turn to receive gifts on their birthday.
I like to give a heads-up: “Your birthday’s coming up, what would you like it to look and feel like this year?” Yes, I’m not being super literal – I’m actually building conceptual understanding. This message is delivered visually, showing photo options on my phone for a park, a familiar play place, or a frequent restaurant they like. Same visuals for food options… hamburgers and french fries? Lettuce wraps? Gluten-free pizza party? Cake with friends at trampoline land or cozy at home? Communication looks different for everyone; whatever the case, a truly thoughtful blueprint in advance makes all the difference.
The key for us has been to educate and inform family and friends in advance: “Hey, we’re having a birthday party in July, keeping it small with only family and close friends. The boys were overwhelmed last year and said it was too hot and loud. This year, they’d like to go to the small bowling alley. We have a quiet party room in the back. We’ll provide food tailored to their allergies, and some “regular food” you’ll love as well. It’s important to the boys that you come because they love you. Don’t stress about the perfect gift – showing up on time means the most to them. We’ve only invited the people they really want there – additional guests can throw them off. We’re going to have a blast!” Giving your guests kind expectations really helps because the kids like to know what to expect and so do the guests (and let’s face it, we’re all looking for a bit of direction).
During the pandemic, we gifted the boys experiences post-dated for after the lockdown. For example, an overnight stay at their favorite Great Wolf Lodge, a long weekend at the Airbnb cabin where we gathered twigs and logs to build a fire that one time, going to see snow for the first time, or a “simple” beach day. It was a year of experiences on their own birthday terms.
For cake, there are many options out there. If they’re gluten-free or casein-free, do your best to communicate what your child will probably enjoy. I once ordered an Adventure Time edible cake topper they were completely allergic to, knowing that once we blew out the candles, I would scrape it off and make it a centerpiece. They enjoyed every minute of it, including the mess on the table.
New discovery! After countless years of trying to replicate Red Food Dye 40 (my kids are allergic) for my kids’ cakes with pomegranate, acai, and dragon fruit powder, Supernatural Kitchen came out with my new holy grail!
Rainbow sprinkles – no artificial dyes!
The birthday song can sometimes be triggering for people on the spectrum. Think about it… it’s suddenly loud, surprise! Screaming people in a public restaurant bursting out into a symphony of off-key tones and roaring applause. We had to do actual adaptive skills therapy for my son to get acclimated to a song that permeates our culture. Now he loves singing it and even makes up extra verses, but are still sensitive to everyone’s ears. You could also choose not to sing it at all – or pick another song as a family tradition. One year, “Baby Beluga” by Raffi was the winner.
Make arrangements with the venue or restaurant in advance. Ask if they have a quiet corner booth or a banquet room you can reserve. Tell them you want to have a small party and that you need them to accommodate a diverse guest list with sensory requirements – that’s right, apply a little inclusion pressure. Enlist their help subtly, letting them know your exact needs upfront – don’t forget that you’re a paying customer. When they have the information, they can assist you. You’d be surprised how often people really do want to help when given the chance. Society is learning too, and how you ask is also important.
Remember, birthday stress is sometimes self-imposed. We want to make up for the rest of the year when our children are often excluded from the parties they were subtly not invited to. We want them to have this idyllic childhood from yesteryear when, in truth, our idea of what it should look like is from a previous time in the world. Maybe the celebration you had the way they wanted it was actually perfect. My kids still reflect back not on the “big event”, but on the small details from their special days with people who came to celebrate them. Living in the present with the real ones is what’s truly important.
If you have an upcoming birthday, drop the day in our comments below for a chance to receive a birthday shoutout from The Savants! 👇
